BiCamp and other weekendy goodness

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Jul. 17th, 2007 | 08:25 am

Went to BiCamp this past weekend. Now in some ways, BiCamp is work for me; I'm technically 'on call' the whole weekend, and I'm 'on staff', so if there's a job not done, I have to at least think about doing it. On the other hand, that's basically how my whole life is, so it's not that much different at BiCamp. And there are a whole bunch of neat, fun people who I really want to hang out with there. I love going to BiCamp. The weather was Perfect, the river was high (making the swimming hole lots of fun), the locals were pleasant when we encountered them, I planned food better than I have for any previous camp (food tends to be my downfall when camping; I'll eat anything, but BiCamp requires I have something for a mid-camp potluck, and...eh. I was better about food this year than in previous years, and It Was Good).

*gets coffee*

Much better.

Also, there's been an interesting theme in my LJ friends writings recently, and it is "Don't tell anyone you're (dating/seeing/having sex with) me". Generally, this is a man asking a woman not to talk about them. What the hell is up with that? I have been in exactly zero dating relationships where I haven't been proud to be with the person I was with at the time (not one, even the ones which didn't work out. I'm not ashamed to have dated anyone; the relationships which didn't work out, I'm unhappy they didn't work out). I'm usually all "Look, a cute chick will talk to me! And touch me and hug me and *everything*!" Now some of that reflects less self-esteem than I should have [had], but it's still how I feel most of the time. Mind you, I've also been on the other side of something like this: "Everyone must know I am your sweetie all of the time, and I will be anxious if you are somewhere without me", which isn't any fun either.

OK, exercise now. Time for a bicycle ride, I think. Then, lunch with [info]mud_puppy, and we'll see if I can figure out a way to get my motorcycle fixed.

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Comments {19}

Randy Smith

(no subject)

from: [info]randysmith
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 02:17 pm (UTC)
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FWIW, I have a very specific pattern around talking about people I'm with. If I consider myself actually involved with them, I feel like it's wrong to keep silent (as if I'm ashamed or something) and I feel ... yucky if they want me to (which happened once). But if I'm just having a fling/friend++ type of relationship, I feel like it's more private and I shouldn't blab around it. Now that latter is in reaction to the stereotype of men boasting about conquests, and is as silly in reaction as it was to do in the first place (well, ok, not *that* silly, but still silly) and I don't think I've ever been in a casual relationship where the other person cared, but it's still where I draw the line.

People I'm with, however, can say whatever they want about me :-}.

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nixtoatl

(no subject)

from: [info]nex0s
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 02:23 pm (UTC)
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Also, there's been an interesting theme in my LJ friends writings recently, and it is "Don't tell anyone you're (dating/seeing/having sex with) me". Generally, this is a man asking a woman not to talk about them. What the hell is up with that?

This was always something I saw in excess in poly r'ships. I often didn't know people were dating until someone made an announcement that they and X had broken up and I'd go, "You were together?!"

There's an excessive "protection of privacy" thing that for me, is so excessive, that I often have no idea what the heck is going on in people's lives!

N.

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Mizarchivist

(no subject)

from: [info]mizarchivist
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 02:32 pm (UTC)
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"Don't tell anyone you're (dating/seeing/having sex with) me"

I'm not fond of spilling gory details in LJ, but to censor the existance of a relationship? Yeahhh. Um. ... Icon sez it all.

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DocOrion

(no subject)

from: [info]docorion
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 03:58 pm (UTC)
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Oh, I'm not talking about "We did this, and then we did that while I was hanging upside down..." type of thing. I'm talking about "When we're out in public, don't be affectionate with me, don't tell your friends we're [whatever we are]", etc.

In part, *I* probably couldn't do this if I were on the 'don't be affectionate with me' end of that request; as best as I can tell, 'affectionate' is my natural state.

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Pete

(no subject)

from: [info]quirkstreet
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 05:20 pm (UTC)
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as best as I can tell, 'affectionate' is my natural state

You always give ME a hug, and as far as I can tell, we've never had sex and probably never will. So yeah, "affectionate" is just how you are.

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Pete

(no subject)

from: [info]quirkstreet
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 03:05 pm (UTC)
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From the distant past, I remember getting a bit spooked by the thought that there was this large community of people who all knew each other, who would instantly know what I'd been up to with so-and-so, and there would be excited commentary about me and such. Um, that sounds horribly egotistic as I write it, but let's just say that even a LITTLE online discussion would sometimes freak me out.

But not to allow any reference at all would still have struck me as strange. I was more "of course I don't want to keep secrets, I just don't want a fuss."

I suppose that's the way I still feel, although my definition of how much attention constitutes "too much" has clearly changed a whole hell of a lot.

Anyway, my point is, dang, if I didn't want it known that I'd slept with someone, I just *wouldn't sleep with them*. I mean, fuck, that's just gross. WTF?

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Beowabbit

(no subject)

from: [info]beowabbit
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 03:11 pm (UTC)
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Also, there's been an interesting theme in my LJ friends writings recently, and it is "Don't tell anyone you're (dating/seeing/having sex with) me".
That’s utterly bizarre. Maybe I’m just clueless (come to think of it, I often don’t know who’s dating whom), but I don’t think I’ve stumbled across that pattern.

If I was the person being asked not to talk about the relationship, it would somewhat decrease my desire to be in the relationship.

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plumtreeblossom

(no subject)

from: [info]plumtreeblossom
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 05:00 pm (UTC)
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I completely agree. Being asked to keep hush-hush about involvement feels degrading and shameful. I've had a few people ask that of me. It hurt so badly to hear someone say "Don't hold my hand in public." I felt they were ashamed of their involvement with me, and perhaps they actuallty were, for all I know. If anyone ever asks me to keep mum about being involved with them, I don't think I'd stay involved with them.

I talk about you and I constantly. :-) I'm exceedingly proud to be with you. As for the other lovely, squeezy people in our lives, I don't go into detail on LJ because not everybody reading is poly-friendly, but I very happily mention them in face-to-face conversations.

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Safe, effective, and fun!

(no subject)

from: [info]surrealestate
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, that. I don't look at people who don't post about who they're sleeping with to LJ as "hiding things". I mean, before LJ, did you always know who was sleeping with whom? It used to be that talking about that all the time was looked about as kinda classless.

I think in the poly crowd, there are very gray areas regarding relationship status. (This is the case in the non-poly world as well, but I think the issue is quite magnified here.) If A sleeps with B, are they dating? Seeing each other? What about if they've done it a few times? When and why does it become anybody's business?

I wouldn't be happy with somebody wanting to keep an actual relationship a secret, but I wouldn't find it odd for someone to not want who they slept with any given night posted all over the 'net.

And for the record, "Don't hold my hand in public" is just plain UNacceptable. Blech.

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pinkfish

(no subject)

from: [info]pinkfish
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
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For the record, I don't care at all if you tell someone when we are dating!

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DocOrion

(no subject)

from: [info]docorion
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 03:51 pm (UTC)
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Awww, honey, that's *so* sweet of you!

(Honestly, when we are dating, I won't have to tell anyone; [info]mud_puppy will *so* take care of that for me :-)

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curly_chick

(no subject)

from: [info]curly_chick
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 04:08 pm (UTC)
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I just went to my happy place.

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Safe, effective, and fun!

(no subject)

from: [info]surrealestate
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 04:17 pm (UTC)
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Seriously. I want the videos

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Ellen

(no subject)

from: [info]keyne
date: Jul. 18th, 2007 01:03 am (UTC)
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Me three.

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St. Arcadia Blue

(no subject)

from: [info]hrafn
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 05:00 pm (UTC)
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I suspect I'm not one of the "Keep it secret" people you're referring to, but my SO is uber-paranoid about having -anything- personal about himself online, which is one reason I write little about that relationship. I stop now before I talk too much :) (I find it a bit annoying, honestly, but I don't feel it's wrong/too much for him to ask.)

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DocOrion

(no subject)

from: [info]docorion
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 06:47 pm (UTC)
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Online I get. On the other hand, "I want you to meet my sweetie, [Insert Name Here]"? Is default for me; if someone I was dating didn't want to be identified as such, I, like [info]beowabbit, would have serious doubts about remaining in that relationship.

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St. Arcadia Blue

(no subject)

from: [info]hrafn
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
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Hmm. See, I wouldn't necessarily introduce an SO (any SO) as my boyfriend/SO/partner/whatever as my [whatever], but it would depend on the context, how comfortable I was with letting the other people present know this person was more than just a friend (would also depend on if I were dating multiple people, and how comfortable I was letting the audience know I'm poly). Among the greater Boston poly crowd, and with my current SO in mind, I might still hesitate, because of some of his offline privacy concerns. I don't worry about that among the people -I- consider friends, because none of y'all are involved in those concerns.

I guess I don't care a great deal if, likewise, he (or other SOs) does or does not introduce me as girlfriend/SO/etc. If a relationship got to Serious Partner level, I might find it a bit odd, but nothing like a dealbreaker - UNLESS it was put as "I don't want to tell anyone we're involved at all, please you keep it quiet, too," which would be a serious problem regardless of the relationship seriousness.

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quietann

(no subject)

from: [info]quietann
date: Jul. 17th, 2007 05:21 pm (UTC)
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I just plain won't date anyone who wants to keep it a secret. I do try to gauge how public to be but to pretend not to be dating while out and about, that's just weird.

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Maedbh7

(no subject)

from: [info]maedbh7
date: Jul. 18th, 2007 12:26 am (UTC)
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Hm. Food for thought.

In the main, I prefer to keep my personal life personal these days. I credit PolyBoston for that change; when I see the relationships I respect, the ones I most respect are the ones that aren't showy, obvious, or in the public forum.

Those levels of discretion are not always possible or welcomed for some people, and that's ok. I can simply chose to date only people whose preferences more closely align with my own. -H...

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